The first 2 months of my baby boy's life is a blur to me. Not by choice. I love him more than words could ever describe. After he was born, my hormones must have gone insane because I was just not myself. It was like I was there, but really wasn't. Any cry or any task (even when not baby related) would make me cry and go into panic mode. I never hurt my babies, or did I think to. Quite the opposite, actually. I cried and panicked because I felt their mommy had been taken away from them. That the lady who was watching and caring for them was an impostor who looked just like their mommy and yelled a lot. I really wish I could erase all that.
Between work and school, Chauncey was mostly gone from morning to midnight. He worked hard and studied hard. I needed help. We tried therapyfor me, prescription anxiety meds, positive thinking. None of that worked for me. I didn't have much time to myself to work on ME, so that I could be better for my family. So as a family we decided I should go where it was more sunny, and where I would have family support. Florida. It was a bittersweet decision because my dear husband would have to stay and finish his school semester. At least I wouldn't be distracting (worrying) him. He stayed, studied, and worked. It was hard on all of us. But after a lot of praying we knew it would be the best choice at the time for our little family.
I had more time to focus on me and as I would tell myself all the time, working on "snapping out of it." Which by the way doesn't happen. Your hormones don't just stabilize by repeatedly telling yourself to "snap out of it".While we were there, Chauncey visited us once until he was done with school, after which we returned to Utah. All 4 of us :)
With time and patience, things have changed for the better. I slowly eased out of it. With a lot of help and support from my family and my amazing, self-less husband. I began to work-out, and stopped taking those pills (which I felt made me worse, but I'm no doctor). I was able to attend the temple and receive answers to my prayers. After all the other temporal work I finally remembered my Savior. He's here for me. He can comfort me. With each prayer, and scripture study, and church and Temple attendance, I felt more lifted, carried by the Lord. And then, and ONLY then was I able to "snap out of it". It was a process, but it felt like a sudden turn. I felt like I was returning to being myself again.
It was for sure a time of trial. A stormy part of my life. I definitely feel better. I feel the calm. And I know I couldn't have done it without the help of my Savior, who not only takes upon Him the sins of the world, but also our pains and sorrows. He knew what I went through, and He knew how to comfort me and my family.
"And it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord; and after I had prayed the winds did cease, and the storm did cease, and there was a great calm." -1 Nephi 18:21
Things are good. Really good.
2 comments:
So glad you are feeling better. Motherhood is rough on so many levels. I have so been there, many times. Your babies are beautiful!!! I can't believe how grown up Lucia is! She looks so much like her dad!
Mi Pao after reading this, you made me cry because kinda the same thing happened to me and yet our Father in Heaven was indeed the one that eased the storm and showed me his eternal love through constant prayer and angels that we all know as our family members. We are so blessed to know He lives and He loves each of his children so much. I'm one of his spoiled ones (hehehe) but I have learned to humble myself and realized that everything in our lives comes in a special order and the process of learning brings some sacrifices that turn into blessings. Love ya Peio. your family is beautiful.. you've done a great Job.
Paola P
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