Calm after the Storm

The first 2 months of my baby boy's life is a blur to me. Not by choice. I love him more than words could ever describe. After he was born, my hormones must have gone insane because I was just not myself. It was like I was there, but really wasn't. Any cry or any task (even when not baby related) would make me cry and go into panic mode. I never hurt my babies, or did I think to. Quite the opposite, actually. I cried and panicked because I felt their mommy had been taken away from them. That the lady who was watching and caring for them was an impostor who looked just like their mommy and yelled a lot. I really wish I could erase all that.
Between work and school, Chauncey was mostly gone from morning to midnight. He worked hard and studied hard. I needed help. We tried therapyfor me, prescription anxiety meds, positive thinking. None of that worked for me. I didn't have much time to myself to work on ME, so that I could be better for my family. So as a family we decided I should go where it was more sunny, and where I would have family support. Florida. It was a bittersweet decision because my dear husband would have to stay and finish his school semester. At least I wouldn't be distracting (worrying) him. He stayed, studied, and worked. It was hard on all of us. But after a lot of praying we knew it would be the best choice at the time for our little family.
I had more time to focus on me and as I would tell myself all the time, working on "snapping out of it." Which by the way doesn't happen. Your hormones don't just stabilize by repeatedly telling yourself to "snap out of it".While we were there, Chauncey visited us once until he was done with school, after which we returned to Utah. All 4 of us :)
With time and patience, things have changed for the better. I slowly eased out of it. With a lot of help and support from my family and my amazing, self-less husband. I began to work-out, and stopped taking those pills (which I felt made me worse, but I'm no doctor). I was able to attend the temple and receive answers to my prayers. After all the other temporal work I finally remembered my Savior. He's here for me. He can comfort me. With each prayer, and scripture study, and church and Temple attendance, I felt more lifted, carried by the Lord. And then, and ONLY then was I able to "snap out of it". It was a process, but it felt like a sudden turn. I felt like I was returning to being myself again.
It was for sure a time of trial. A stormy part of my life. I definitely feel better. I feel the calm. And I know I couldn't have done it without the help of my Savior, who not only takes upon Him the sins of the world, but also our pains and sorrows. He knew what I went through, and He knew how to comfort me and my family.
"And it came to pass that I prayed unto the Lord; and after I had prayed the winds did cease, and the storm did cease, and there was a great calm." -1 Nephi 18:21

Things are good. Really good.

Chauncey Lewis Tucker, Jr.

The Saturday before his birth we had a false labor alarm. I was determined to have the baby that weekend. They admitted me into labor and delivery and watched me for about 3- 4 hours because I was progressing . After the 3rd hour, nothing. I stopped dilating! So, they sent me home. The nurse thought he would be born that weekend. Nothing. So we went in on December 1st at 7 am to my scheduled induction.

They started me on pitocin at around 8 am. I was only 3 cm dilated. The nurse insisted that I get an epidural. I wanted one. Just not quite yet. See, my water broke with Lucia and I pretty much chickened out and got an epidural ASAP. So I really had no idea what contractions felt like. Maybe I didn't remember. At around 11 am my doctor walked in to break my water. I was about 5-6 cm dilated. My nurse warned me before that to get my epidural because things progress really fast once the water has been broken. Not yet! My nurse was probably the best nurse ever. She was just looking out for me. She did warn me. Five minutes later I was experiencing the biggest pain of my life! And I knew that wasn't it. I want it NOW! Well now, I had to wait. The anesthesiologist was in a c-section. I had to WAIT. By choice of course. I could have had it before. Luckily there was a sweet doula on the floor that helped calm me. Poor Chauncey didn't know how to help anymore. He tried. The man really tried. But nothing we had practiced was working for me. The Doula, however, could put me to sleep with just her voice! Such a sweet voice! After a while of experiencing great pain, the pain dr. came and I got my epidural. Yipee!! Unlike with the epidural I had with Lucia, I could move my legs (not walk), so I felt that urge to push I never felt with Lucia.
I asked my mom to bring Lucia for 20 mins. for lunch. We live across the street from the hospital which is nice in these situations. Lucia came and went.  I asked the nurse to check me. 8.5 cm. I thought I had an hour more. She turned away from me and started prepping. And BOOM! It hit me. The urge to push. "I'm ready" I said almost holding my breath. If I took just one breath I swear that baby would have flown out! My doctor came quickly. I felt no pain. Just pressure. Within 5 minutes, 3 contractions, around 4-6 pushes, we welcomed our baby boy!!

Chauncey Lewis Tucker, Jr. 

Born December 1st at 1:06 pm

weighing in at 7 lbs and measuring 19.5 inches

Lucia meeting her brother for the first time

He was perfect! Instant love! I worried months before that I had to share my love with my kids. But I'm sure now your heart just grows. Because I love him so much and I don't love Lucia any less! It's hard to explain. I love my husband and kids so much it hurts. No words or act of kindness will ever describe what I feel for them.

Anyway, after Lucia's nap, my mom brought her over. She met her baby brother. That baby she had been kissing and singing to for months before! He was finally here!! And she loved him, too.

Daddy and Lewis... AKA my boys :)

Our family of 4: Chauncey, Paola, Lucia, and Lewis

Fall Family Pics

Here are some Fall pictures I found. When I find the rest I will add them. Mind you, this is Fall 2010 :)

The Surgery

Last October Lucia had 2 inguinal hernia repairs and 1 umbilical hernia repair. Chauncey took the day off from work and we all drove out to Primary Children's Hospital. The surgeon was an older man, who absolutely loves his little patients and respects the parents, too! We don't really get a lot of that respect from doctors (pediatricians) out here. They tend to treat you like you're making stuff up.
It all started with a bump BOTH Chauncey and I saw after Lucia's bath. We knew it wasn't a swollen lymph node. We just knew it wasn't normal. We took her out of her bath and straight to the insta-care, where they said it was probably (I have to say that it really gets on my nerves that they can never some up with a straight-up diagnosis. It's always maybe, could be, probably... or they send me home wishing me luck!) a hernia, but she'd be alright! This happened around July. I took her in the next day (a Saturday) to be checked out by the nurse practitioner at her pediatricians office. Same thing. No problem solving to our concern. Off we went, hoping the hernia would just disappear. I mean, they did say she'd be ok.

(She did turn 2 in August, so I've added some irrelevant to the post birthday pics. We didn't take pictures of the surgery process).

In August she had her 2 year check up and I tried to show her doctor. To my luck, the hernia wasn't showing. But a miracle happened! The man believed me and referred us to a pediatric surgeon to see what he said about it. We were finally moving forward!
I took her in about a month later. She was crying, for some reason, so the hernia was DEFINITELY visible when the doctor walked in. This doctor actually said that  kids don't grow out of this type of hernia, like we were told. They can eventually become painful and affect her ovaries! Thank Heavens we insisted on getting this checked before it got to that point.
They scheduled the surgery for a week later, which we had to reschedule due to our previously mentioned stomach flu. When the day for the surgery arrived we explained to her that she was going to sleep and the doctors would fix her belly button (she had a hernia there too). She took it alright. We really couldn't go into deep details with such a tiny person.
Her pre-surgery experience was great! They treated her like a princess! They also have a lot of toys to keep her entertained while we waited. Thirty minutes before they took her they gave her sedation medication. The kid was high if you asked me. Then the anesthesiologist came for her. We carried her up to the surgery hallway doors. On the walk there she would say things like: "Look, mommy, it's Mickey Mouse!" Except it didn't sound like you just read it. She was sorta drunk on those drugs, so imagine... wobbly head, eyes half shut, finger not quite pointing where she wanted, and a funny tone in her voice. She was right. Mickey was painted on the hallway walls. Even though it was funny, I don't ever want to see her that way again. They do this so she doesn't flip out when the strange man (the anesthesiologist) walks away with her. We're not even there when she goes to sleep.

with mommy and daddy

After about an hour it was over! They called us to go in and see her in recovery. When she woke up she went mad! Imagine waking up in a weird room with a (breathing) tube down your throat and an IV. The tube they pulled out immediately, but they had to leave the IV on. She tried hard to pull it off. For a long while she was kicking, screaming, and crying all over the bed. We tried to calm her, but were more focused on keeping her from pulling the IV out. After about 2 hours she was more calm. She drank and ate some. We went home. The drive home was ok.

Lucia and her new trike (well not quite new anymore)

The next couple of days were not so great. She was experiencing so much pain she would just cry and kick around on the floor. We couldn't calm her. Sometimes we just had to let her do her thing. She seemed traumatized almost. It was behavior we had never seen coming from her before. It was a while before she was fully healed and could jump around again. But it was over! It got better! And she has no hernias.

yummy birthday cupcake

We're back!

A lot of things have happened since my last mini- post, almost a year ago. I'm not quite sure what went on from June 2010 to October 2010. I was busy being pregnant I guess. There. That kept me from posting, ha! However, October was the mother of all (physical and emotional) roller-coasters. That month was supposed to have started with Lucia's surgery. Instead, we ALL got a stomach flu and were sick (on and off) for about 1-2 weeks. Yup! no fun! Then Lucia had her surgery and with it we experienced the behavioral and emotional changes it brought (that requires its own post). About two weeks after that, I totaled our blue Corolla and injured (not fractured) my left hand. Sad day. All that occurred in October. I'm not quite sure what happened in November. We might of blocked those events from our memory :). Then December 1st came and we welcomed our beautiful baby boy! Unfortunately, after a few weeks from his birth, I began experiencing some post-partum anxiety (also another post). But here we all are now! And I promise to post about it all! Because, like I said before, I also love to post about my kids, for my kids. It will be something for them to enjoy later. Eeeh! And I guess get some public journal writing done.

Below are some fun October pics! I guess we tried to have fun despite the events :)

My love,

One of the many reasons why I wanted to marry you was because I had a feeling you'd be an amazing pappa. Well, on 8/12/08 that feeling was confirmed with the birth of our daughter. My heart melted when I saw you look at her for the first time. I knew then, for a fact, you'd be the BEST pappa! I love you so much. And I love how much you love our little princess. You even show so much love for our new baby we have yet to meet in December. I love you and am so blessed to call you my husband and father of my children.

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!!!!

Your wife always,
Pao

what happens when you roll down your car windows??

You let some breeze in ... and make a toddler REALLY happy!!